bluerain

The last few months have been quite interesting to say the least. How can I put it in a way that will prevent me from explaining everything in detail (as I am sure nobody will be interested anyway)? Maybe I will write in fragmented thoughts, you see, I think of myself more of a receptive fool than a writer.

First and foremost, I have just completed my “work-related” 10-week course, and then I should mention that I just bought a Canon EOS DSLR and will soon embark in a serious attempt at amateur photography (a rather overdue Christmas present for myself). I will start volunteering work shortly (for AIDS prevention), as well as joining a running group every Saturday (that’ll be next year of course).

There’s the case of my beloved colleague, friend and mentor, who decided to say goodbye to this rather unkind world and brought it upon herself to put an end to her own life. I shall not judge her resolution, for I, too, have seen the futility of life. So often, it has revealed itself in the most disconsolate and heart-wrenching prospect
no human-being should endure. Yet, there, too, exists love and beauty. If for these alone, life is worth a second try, or a third, or a fourth, etc.

I am going home, after almost two years. I have never been home since my father passed away. Zamboanga? I have never seen the place for 13 years. I am a gypsy. I never stay in one place for long.

I recently watched ‘A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints’ –
amazing piece of work. Definitely, amazing, that is all I can say. Like a spike that drove right through my heart. Maybe, being clinically melancholic makes me relate to a whole lot of shit in the world, but this piece of film definitely did hit me.

I am going home, and I don’t know what to expect. Like in the film (and in the book), the writer said – “In the end, I left everybody behind, but nobody, nobody left me.”

It’s two degrees Celsius outside and I have decided to put
on an extra piece of clothing and set up the heater to 27 deg. Funny, how we can never be contented with what we have. We want a warmer climate when it’s snowing outside, we want snow when it’s scorching, we want a tan when we’re too white, and we want to be white when we’re dark.

And there’s the case of those abandoned children in  Mongolia who sleep in the sewers where the heated pipelines are. They keep themselves warm by sleeping near the pipelines and most often, they get burned and scalded. Some needed to commit petty crimes just so
that they will be thrown in jail where there will be decent food, warmth and shelter.

Nowadays, I buy my clothes not only to keep me warm, I also buy them to make me look and feel good, I really don’t care much what they cost. Some of us will get into
photography next year or join a gym or something, some will even get ‘to recognize their own personal saints’ and I’m sure some will think that it’s a waste to exist in this world and go blow their brains out, and yet there are those who can’t even turn the heater on and desperately seek some warmth even in the cruelest circumstances, just so that they will live one day more, because they know in their little hearts, that if they hold on, that there is a world out there that is kind, loving and beautiful waiting for them, a place that is worth staying alive for.

-bluerain